Monday, September 12, 2011

It runs in the family

I know I have talked about my anxiety/panic disorder before but I just realized tonight that my oldest son Speck has the same thing. He had what I can only describe as a full-blown panic attack tonight and it was so sad. Luckily I knew what it was so I could talk to him and calm him down but I just hurt so much for him. Speck is extremely sensitive and holds things in/beats himself up when he feels like he didn't do things the right way the first time. Also, thanks to his Sensory Processing Disorder he sometimes sees the negative or a threat when there isn't one and that can cause a lot of anxiety. I always thought we were an open communication family but there were so many things he was holding inside and tonight it just exploded. I told him that what he was feeling wasn't weird, it had a name and several people, including his Mom had it. I gave him a few ideas of things that sometimes help when I feel nervous- leg jiggling, listening to music or watching tv, and walking around and that seemed to help him. Having a name for his feelings really helped him, he went from a nauseated, sobbing, panicky mess to laughing and talking. I swear, once I told him that it helps to talk he was just talking non-stop and all this stuff started pouring out of him- problems at school, worries that everyone hates him, worries about the world. His poor little body was holding onto stuff that would kill an adult, so it is no wonder that he was so upset. On one hand I am happy that I can help him- my parents weren't understanding at all and it led to some really bad things in my life- but on the other hand I just worry so much for his future. I told Speck that he could talk to Hubby and me, his teachers and the school counselor and if that didn't help, we would take him to a psychologist. I am going to see if he gets better with home remedies before I up the ante with outside therapy. For so long I prayed that he wouldn't get this- I knew it ran in families and I have it on both sides but I hoped we would be spared. Still, it is here and we have to deal with it and hopefully since we caught it early he won't have the teen years I had. That doesn't mean I am not going to cry for him after he goes to bed.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Fear of Flying

Have you ever been to a place and felt like you lived there in a past life? Like the minute you step foot into town you are home? That's how I feel about NYC. I visited in 2008 and loved it and have wanted to go back ever since. I have a very good friend who lives there and she suggested that I and two of our other friends should meet up and have a girl's weekend. Hell, yeah, count me in! I bought my airplane ticket, changed my ringtone on my iPhone to "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z to get in the spirit and waited for the time to come. So, why am I writing instead of getting ready to board that plane? Well, after a long sleepless, tearfilled night, I realized I cannot get on that airplane. I have aviatophobia- the fear of flying- and it sucks.

I am the person who you see at the gate sitting in the corner, wringing their hands and sobbing before a flight, despite having taken a Xanax. I am the person who actually has a panic attack when I drive by the airport and the planes fly over my head. I can't visit my father at work because he is the General Manager of one of those satellite airport parking lots and planes fly over his office constantly.  I know all the rational reasons why you shouldn't be afraid to fly. I know that I am safer on a plane than I am driving to the airport. I know that the noises the airplane makes are normal, we can't get sucked out and the plane can't break in half. I even know the science behind flight- my husband took great pains to show me, through the old hand out the car window trick, how a plane stays in the air. I have never had a particularly bad flight that I can pinpoint as the starting point of my fear. From the first flight I ever took, I was terrified. It isn't as bad if I can fly with someone but it still takes every single ounce of courage I have to board that plane. I've tried relaxation techniques, biofeedback, music and even medication and nothing works. I know this is something I am going to have to overcome because it is really limiting my life. One of my dreams is to go to London but that isn't going to happen if I can't take a 2 hour flight to NYC.

Last night I sobbed in my husband's arms because I was so terrified and disappointed and angry. I am angry that I lost the money on the ticket. I am so sad that I don't get to see my friends and have a wonderful weekend in an amazing city. Mainly, I am so disappointed in myself that I can't overcome this issue. Sometimes I really hate my brain and wish that I could just be a normal person and not have a crippling fear.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Friday Book Review

Night RoadNight Road by Kristin Hannah

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I had a lot of trouble starting this book as the character of Jude was really annoying. A helicopter mom of the highest order, I just didn't like her. I am so glad I stuck it out because I literally couldn't put the book down last nighth and stayed up way past my bedtime to read it. This book explores what can happen to a family after a major tragedy and how each individual comes to terms with the changes in their life. There are some tough scenes to take in this book- several chapters had me sobbing so have your tissues handy. At parts I began to wonder if the author was going to start a Jodi Picoult-ish plot line but I was relieved that she did not. The ending was a little weak as it seemed to try to wrap things up with a neat little bow but it didn't detract from the story and I found myself wishing that the book had not ended. Good writing, good story and I highly recommend it.

View all my reviews

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Common Decency

Is it just me or does it seem like common decency and manners are disappearing? The latest issue causing this particular bee to fly into my bonnet is a lack of thank you notes. I can count of at least 5 occasions recently where I purchased a gift for a new baby, wedding or birthday party and did not receive any acknowledgement of the gift. Oh sure, the check was cashed ASAP but to me, that simply isn't good enough. Look, I am not a complete freak about this, if you open the gift in front of me and say thanks then we are good. I just hate thinking that my gift didn't reach the recipient or that frankly the person didn't care. I think the time this bothers me the most is when it is a wedding gift. If I go through the trouble of dressing up, finding a babysitter or driving hundreds of miles and then having to pay for a hotel room, the least you can do is drop me a couple of lines thanking me for the dishes I bought you off your wedding registry.

Maybe I am old fashioned but if this is a sign of the times then I don't like it. I was taught as a kid that it was a sign of just basic common decency to thank someone for their kindness. I couldn't even cash my checks or play with my toys if I didn't write a thank you note first. Honestly, I don't need a 40 page treatise written on Crane stationary about your life and how my gift fits into it, you can just drop me a line on FB or email. But to completely ignore when someone is kind to you really bothers me and it makes me not want to offer than kindness again. Who knows, maybe this is the first in a long line of "In my day..." crotchety old bastard rants. Now if you'll excuse me I need to ask some kids to get off my lawn.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Friday Book Review

Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest BestiarySquirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary by David Sedaris

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This was a hilarious change of pace from the usual Sedaris books, in the fact that the humor comes from animals being put into human situations. I loved Sedaris' take on hipsters, uber-parents, crazy pet owners and dogs in loveless marriages. At first you are kind of thinking that this book might be a bit too much but you quickly realize that Sedaris' humor translates to any species.

BossypantsBossypants by Tina Fey

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Let me preface this review by saying I am a HUGE Tina Fey fan and wish she was my best friend. After reading this book, you will feel the same way. Tina comes off as approachable, down to earth, touching, cynical and just plain funny. Her tales of growing up as a theater geek, ambivalent fashion plate and woman living her professional dream will have you laughing out loud and then saying "Aww, man!" She doesn't hold anything back but at the same time she is very respectful and appreciate of those she has worked with (with the exception of a few unamed people she calls D-Bags.) Her beauty tips, fashion and parenting advice were in a word- awesome. If you are a fan of SNL or a trivia/behind the scenes geek, you will LOVE this book. Oh, and Tina, if you are reading this, call me!

Monday, April 11, 2011

A break

I was going to try to do the whole NoBloMo thing- write a blog post a day for an entire month, thinking that it would spur creativity. Well, that was true for a little while and then I started to sit at the computer and wonder what I was going to talk about that day. I realized two important things about myself: I hate to be forced into things and I am not a very prolific writer. I tried to keep up but in the end I walked away from the computer. I decided that I wanted to take a break from technology and I didn't touch my computer or iPhone for an entire weekend. The world didn't explode and I didn't really feel like I missed anything. That weekend felt so good that I kept it up for another week and then another until I felt ready to come back. In that time I had a great Spring break with my kids. We went to a game ranch and fed many, many animals. We went to the Atlanta Zoo with what seemed to be the entire population of the Metro Atlanta area. We watched the movie Tangled over and over and over again. I yelled at the tv while watching TLC's show "Extreme Couponers"  because those people made me nuts and don't represent normal people. I went to the wedding of a young woman I have known since she was 5 and was so proud of her. My parents watched the boys so my husband and I could go to said wedding together and then have some time to ourselves. I ate a particularly tasty Greek Chicken Wrap from Twisted Taco. I relaxed and got ready for spring and summer. In a word, my break was AWESOME.

So, no more forcing myself to write every single day. I now know that I'll have days when I feel really inspired to write three or four entries a day but they don't all need to be posted at once. I also realized that I hadn't really been expressing my true self because I didn't want to run into any Internet bullies or cause any controversy but I really shouldn't worry about that because no one reads this! Huzzah for being anonymous! I know that I'll still post my shopping trips and my Friday book reviews but I am also going to start writing about deeper things going on in my life. I look on this blog as a glimpse into what my life was like when I was this age and my kids were this small. If others find it, great but they'll play by my rules and respect what I wrote. Life is too short to censor yourself. And, so we move on...